I have a love / hate relationship with my kitchen, lately it’s mostly hate.
Since moving here 3 years ago the kitchen has grown but my cooking skills / meal repertoire have not and neither has my desire to cook for my husband. I would love to know if other wives / partners of chefs feel the same because I fucking hate cooking for Chris, it gives me anxiety.
Before I met Chris I felt quite competent and confident as a cook but now that feeling is almost entirely shattered, what he can do in 30mins takes me 2hrs and my meals never taste as good. I realize that I put A LOT of pressure on myself and that I have not had the training that he has but I feel like his ability to cook diminishes my role as the wife & mother who has a meal (full of love) on the table when the man gets home. This does not happen. When I do cook, which is not often now, it is a slapped together version of what I intended and leaves me wondering why I bothered.
To add to my frustration tonight Chris has whipped this up…
Pumpkin Soup with fresh made bread AND a freshly made Rhubarb & Vanilla sponge cake. He also made Crumbed Whiting and chunky chips for the kids and all this in about an hour (cooking time not included) How do I compete with this? I actually think I have a plan and my plan is preparation and this for starters …
I have marked out some Jess friendly mains (yellow post-its) as well as some desserts which are a little more adventurous (pink post-its) Fingers crossed that this is the motivation I need to get back into the swing of things.
I’m sitting here in my lounge and as usual it’s a mess, there is shit everywhere, toys, food scraps, clothes (clean & dirty) the kitchen is the same with a bench full of dirty dishes and to top it off I have a 4yr old cracking it on the couch and an almost 1yr old crying at my feet. AGAIN.
If my life were a ride it would be a really fucking boring one that left you with no energy or motivation and a feeling of blah and no desire to ride it ever again. While not exactly happy to admit it, I am struggling. I want more but I don’t know what that is or how to achieve it. I feel like I am failing on every level, mother, wife, friend, person.
The daily grind has got me (all ground up) and I am sick to death of doing the same thing day in day out. I love my kids more than I could ever express but at the moment I just don’t want to look at them let alone cater to their every need, In a week Hunter will be one and I can tell you that since he was born the most time I have spent away from my kids is 12hrs. 12HRS! I NEED A BREAK.
I want to say that I have no regrets and that I wouldn’t change a thing but I can’t, that would be lying. I would for one, stop being afraid of what other people think and stand up for myself because no-one else has/will. I have let myself go in so many ways that I am now finding it REALLY hard to get it back. I couldn’t write because I’m THAT angry all the time, I have withdrawn from my friends and family and from my husband. I think I have secretly hoped he would in turn distance himself from me because that would just give me more to be angry about, talk about wallowing!
How do I change people? I am genuinely asking. I want more, being a mum just isn’t enough for me but I feel like if I go for it now I will just upset the applecart and get the ‘you’ve changed’
I am my own worst enemy for overthinking I know but the war that wages in my head is winnable…..?
The human body is an amazing work of art, my body however is like a 4yr olds play dough sculpture, all squishy and knobbly and could fall apart at any moment.
I am ridiculously unfit and my mantra of ‘it took me 9 months to put baby-weight on so taking 9 months to lose it is ok’ is not ok because in 6 days Hunter will be 9months old and I am still lots of kgs away from my pre baby body and to be completely honest that is still a fair few kgs off where I SHOULD (according to weight for height statistics) / really WANT to be.
Exercise is not my friend and never has been but I really, REALLY want it to be, I want to have stamina and strength and I want to be able to go for a run and enjoy it but more than that I just want to hate myself a little less. I have made excuse after excuse; I’m too tired to do anything because Hunter gets me up multiple times a night, I can’t get anyone to watch the kids when I want to exercise or I cant afford to go to the gym and then there is the endless shit food that I keep shoving in my mouth even though I know that not only is it adding to my weight but ‘ making me feel like crap, sucking the life out of me one mouthful at a time.
I have tried to kick this bad habit A LOT, almost every morning I wake up full of positivity, making myself a healthy, nutritious breakfast repeating to myself positive affirmations and by lunchtime it has all gone to shit, my lack of organization is usually the culprit OR I let a bad morning with the kids drag me down, regardless I have to work on my staying power. I’ve tried motivating myself with pictures like these…
And then I find picture like this on Facebook and think YEP
I just want to be this girl again,
However unrealistic it may be to want my 21yr old body back after having 2 kids and neglecting my health and fitness for the last 10 years, that is what I want. All I need to do now is realize that I am the only one who can get her back.
Anyone else got after baby body blues?
3 days ago I got a phone call that no one wants to get, It was my sister and when I picked up the first words I heard where ‘now don’t freak out but… Jeremy (my brother) is being air lifted to the Alfred hospital.’
For a couple of weeks prior to this phone call, my dad and Jeremy had been slogging their guts out whilst working on 3 motorbikes, road racing motorbikes with the intention of racing them this Australia Day long weekend. As kids we spent A LOT of weekends at one of the many race tracks around Victoria watching dad race and there is only one time that I can remember seeing dad crash. Thank God I wasn’t there on Friday to physically see Jeremy crash because getting that phone call was hard enough and keeping it together after the call was only possible because I was with a good friend.
The crash, I am told, was a big one, imagine coming into a tight corner doing about 150kmh and doubting yourself, because that’s exactly what happened and the result……… 4 minutes of unconsciousness, blood coming out of his nose and ears, a suspected compound fracture of the collarbone which turned out to be a broken collarbone in 2 places and a nasty cut, a broken arm, fractured wrist in 2 places which could still need surgery, 2 broken ribs and a punctured lung.
We are all just counting our lucky stars that it wasn’t worse and that after just 24hours Jeremy was released from hospital into our (rotating) care. He’s pretty ginger and still fairly high on pain killers but he will be fine and I think he even learned some things, about himself and the reality of his capabilities.
Man being a Mum is hard work.
I’ve come to realize that you can never REALLY be prepared for all that parenting will throw at you. Before I had Hunter I thought that I had it all worked out but clearly I didn’t.
I have been up & down, doubted myself DAILY, yelled way more than I’d like to admit, cried and cried and then cried AGAIN, completely lost all sense of myself and my skills as a wife and home-maker / domestic goddess and then there has been the moments (however fleeting) that have given me more joy than I have ever felt. The love of a child is truly something miraculous.
Just for a second I want to go back to the completely losing myself bit. I started this blog to give me something that I was excited about; writing, and with that wanting to define myself as not JUST a mum. Along the way I have lost my drive (several times) mostly because I haven’t felt like I COULD define myself as anything other than a mum and I feel guilty admitting this but it wasn’t enough for me. Then I figured how can I be anything else when I can’t even get this (parenting) right? So with a slight attitude change and a resolve to do something properly I am embracing the role of milk maid, personal feeder and bum wiper along with nurturer, teacher and loving mother and admitting that without any other role / title I am NOT just a mum.
Call me crazy and with everything that I have just said I would still (at the moment) like to have more kids, expanding the brood expands the love (along with everything else I know) and maybe it’s just the romantic notion of a full and busy house but I always pictured having a big family.
Look at this face, Happy, excited and SO ready to dance.
At the beginning of the year Patience started ballet lessons and I don’t think a day has gone by since then when I haven’t witnessed a pirouette or plié or been asked ‘do you want to see me do this dance?’
Tomorrow morning I have to get up and organized EARLY because the tickets for Patiences 1st ballet concert go on sale and from what the other mums tell me I need to be there ready and waiting for the doors to open to secure the 8 tickets I need.
It’s a post I’ve written before, excusing myself of my recent absence, and I’m back to do it again except this time my excuses are different.
I was neither inspired to write nor keen to share but apart from that I had come to a point where in my daily routine it was more important to go to bed than to stay up and post.
Nothing has changed, Yes I started on a detox / lifestyle cleanse / DIET (who am I kidding?) and yes, again I failed miserably with my commitment to the diet, my excuse for this; I’m still breastfeeding and it DRAMATICALLY affected my milk supply. I started Hunter on solids around the same time and after a great start it all went pear-shaped, the food was not enough to substitute for my low milk supply and then he just flat out refused the food and started waking in the night again, sometimes twice and it’s only in the last couple of days that I’ve gotten the routine back to normal and with all that I feel fucking EXHAUSTED.
I’ve also come to that point where going back to work is not something I will have to think about sometime down the line but something I have had to take action on now, It’s been on my mind a LOT lately (well the financial side of it) and today I had an interview for a really exciting job, Petrol station console operator, YAY! At the end of the day though it’s not about the job it’s about when I can work and how I can still look after my children. Coming to the realisation that I have to go back to work (and the end of my government maternity leave) was harder than I expected, I’m not ready and I am all at the same time. I can’t wait for some adult interaction but I honestly feel like I’ve only just got into the swing of full-time parenting again and as tired as I am or how grumpy I may get, I LOVE IT, being with my kids is awesome and there is NO tone of sarcasm here.
One thing that looking for jobs has inspired in me is knowing that at the end of the day (some time down the track) I really want a job where I’m doing something I love, like I love this, writing, posting, sharing…. so even though I’ve said it before (several times) I WILL endeavor to go head down bums up on this blog and hopefully get across what I want to get across, inspire a few smiles, maybe even some out loud laughter and let someone out there now that they’re not alone and we all go through it sometimes, what ever IT is.